Brain Farts: By God, I’m Going Back to College
Totally real. Right?
I never dreamed I would be going back to college. I hold an associate’s degree in journalism and a bachelor’s in English with a concentration on creative writing. I’ve been a professional writer for more than 30 years. But the parent company of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups is accepting applications to its once-secret college for its fans, and I’m a fan. So I’m going to enroll.
This college, which is probably real, came to my attention by way of a press release from the candy giant Hershey, which makes the best candy bar that has ever existed, and don’t you dare throw a Snicker’s bar in my face, either. Yes, it’s packed with peanuts, but it doesn’t give me powers of shape-shifting like in the commercials.
I will root for the Fighting Cuppies at every home game, and I will do so with a mouthful of chocolate and pseudo-peanut butter, my fellow boosters be damned. I will take all the core classes, whatever, they may be, because I’m pretty sure my Indiana University credits aren’t going to transfer (I can’t recall a single class on remedial chocolate). But I know this opportunity is for me.
"If you're applying to Reese's U, you've got great taste," said PB Reese III, Director of Admissions, Reese's University, in a press release. "I would like to raise a peanut butter cup to our newest class of Fighting Cuppies, who I am confident will uphold our tradition of greatness. And now I would like to eat that peanut butter cup. Mmm."
Go Cuppies! Courtesy of Hershey Corp.
At Reese's University, life is meant to be lived, not overthought, and that’s according to the official press release. I will not overthink — I will merely apply. I will buy the ugly orange and brown sweatshirt, and I will subsist on Reese’s Cup candy bars (I mostly do anyway, so that won’t be a big adjustment).
"Life is too short for regrets, or inferior candy," said Patricia Brown, Dean of Students at Reese's University. "Reese's U is the embodiment of this spirit. The Fighting Cuppies are a community of well-rounded individuals that are committed to RU's core values of integrity, chocolate and peanut butter."
In its boilerplate, Reese’s U makes the ultimate argument as to why this is the right decision for me at this time in my life: “Dreams are built on perfect combinations: Talent and Perseverance. Curiosity and Passion. Chocolate and Peanut Butter. And now, Reese's University and You.”
Interested in applying too? Maybe we could be roomies; I could get my chocolate in your peanut butter, if you know what I mean. The application is available here on the Reese’s University website.
Oh, and none of this is real. And it’s actually kind of a stupid promotion, and that’s coming from someone who spent some time as a marketing professional. But I can’t pass up on a chance to be really sarcastic. Either way, now I want a damn Reese’s Cup.
