The Taste Bud: Miller Lite Unveils … Beer Cubes?

This is dumb. Courtesy of Miller Lite’s Marketing Pukes, I guess

Stupid marketing gimmick alert: Miller Lite recently rolled out a product it’s calling Beer Cubes, and they’re just what we all need in these troubled times: little beer-can-shaped ice cubes made of Miller Lite beer.

Man, and I thought KFC was capable of some cheesy marketing crap.

First of all, I fully admit that I do drink Miller Lite in certain circumstances, such as on a hot day when I don’t want to get drunk or during a ballgame when I want to have four or nine beers without getting groggy. Let’s face it, American light beer is damn near water, so it can stretch quite a ways when necessary. I mean, binge-drinking is what it’s made for.

And I do applaud this idea of making Miller Lite as cold as possible so that it can’t be tasted, which is what these little beer cubes are designed to do. It’s easy: You literally just cough up $7.99 (or win one in a contest that is making the rounds on Facebook) for a plastic tray you fill with the beer and pop into your freezer. The ice cube things are shaped so that they can easily be dropped into a bottle or can. Seems like a perfect birthday gag gift for Dad, right?

But if we think practically, first of all, those tiny little ice cans aren’t going to do a lot on a 90-degree day out on the boat or at the cookout under a blazing sun. Your tepid beer in that sweaty can is going to melt those little doo-dads quickly, and my guess is you’ll never notice a difference. You know, unless you put, like, 30 in there.

Secondly, you ever accidentally left a beer in the freezer when you try to get it extra cold and then forget about it? Well, what typically happens to frozen beer is that once thawed, it comes out tasting flat. So, you’re adding little beads of flat beer to your tepid Miller Lite? Sure, I like this plan.

Look, I know it’s a gimmick. I just can’t help but make fun of stuff like this. And hey, I guess it could be worse. I was just informed by a friend that Skittles has partnered with French’s to develop a limited run of mustard-flavored candy. Life is stupid.